What

It has been a while since my last post.  Not much has happened... I learned to make it a habit of double-spacing after each sentence.  Currently sitting in a bed near a beach on a lake.

It's funny.  I've been thinking a lot about my own life so far and where it's taking me.  So far I really don't have much direction, but it's kind of a nice feeling.  I've been reading Sylvia Plath's unabridged journals, which do make me somewhat jealous of her writing ability, but she was open to learning and hungered for it while I cast it away due to social restrictions.

I do wonder.  If I wasn't afraid of being bashed for my intellect, where could I be now?  I want to be more well-read and have a basic knowledge of different authors' literary techniques and backgrounds.  I want to wean myself from the thought that all knowledge can be gained from the internet.  I suppose I expect the internet to house hubs of knowledge of certain types, like a website for biographies and a website for how to deal with life, and that just doesn't happen.  In the end, it's just you, not some website or book telling you how to think.  It's what you learn from them.

I would love to take one of those 10-day meditation classes.  What an invigorating experience.

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I've kind of thought about love quite a bit.  It's so happy.  For the first time, I want to buy things for someone other than myself... give my full attention because I truly am interested and not because I'm told to.  I tell myself, this will all go away at the end of the day, and it turns out that it does, that nothing is really as negatively important as I think it is initially.  I wouldn't give this away for anything.

So think about society in its infancy.  For the first time, we realize that collaborating with other human beings eventually improve our quality of life.  We don't have to grow all the grain and raise all the animals; someone else is there to do that job, and we all prosper by giving what we can and receiving basically what we give out. (Golden rule, anyone?)  We learn that having other people is a privilege and something almost necessary to our survival.

Love is a lot like that.  And maybe love is what drove us to come together like that and learn that the burden doesn't have to be only on our shoulders in the first place.  That we really aren't as alone (or as naturally selfish) as we think.  And to be honest, I feel pretty good right now.  I spent the last week feeling down and sad and, well, crazy, but as my dad puts it, this is only the icing.  I don't have to worry about where I'm getting my next meal or where I won't be cold or uncomfortable.  I'm getting an education, which is a privilege, and I'm a damn fool if I let something as simple as a little social anxiety get in my way.  I told myself I would never hate, and that in turn has made me hate all sorts of things in all sorts of ways.  I do hate.  I hate that I hate, for one thing, but it's kind of like keeping all of that bottled up made it accelerate far beyond what I ever would have thought possible for someone like me.

And who am I, anyway? (Gahd, typical teenagery question.)

I'm kind of afraid for this year.  I'm afraid of all the people and the interactions.  I suppose that's just how I am and I won't try to change that (too difficult), but I can at least stop it from getting ridiculous.  Speak up in class and ask questions and just be smart.  I'd rather be revered for being smart than, well... not being revered.  It's my secret weapon. o_0 and look how I can say that so casually.  I don't even have to work for my grades.  If I make anything less than a B, it's simply because I didn't read the instructions right or didn't turn something in on time.  I think they should make A's the new C's - C for average, A for outstanding (ahh-mazing, that is).  It should be difficult.  And what is difficult?  If I'm totally lost, then that's a problem and it's not real learning.  I suppose I just... catch on better... oh well, I'm being elitist and that isn't right.

Looking forward to a new year, a happy sane one with lotsa learnin'.  Peace.