Revelation (isn't just a book)

I'm so... I don't know. There's a general lightness in the air. Things are more enjoyable. I haven't reached the monotony of July, but I'm digging this whole freedom thing.

I realized something today that kind of related to my last post. Perhaps it's just my OCD talking (yes, it still resides with me, occupying quite a large portion of my brain, mind you), but I get this sense of... right-ness whenever I see fashion pictures. Like they've got a whole closet full of the "right" clothes and makeup and how nothing will clash or look ugly. I've finally accepted that's not true.

I was really surprised at by how many photos are photoshopped, whether they look it or not. Virtually EVERY SINGLE PICTURE in the media is photoshopped or edited in some way, even the candid ones in gossip magazines. I saw a before and after picture of the Italian prime minister/president - his fat roll was slimmed down to nonexistence. It wasn't even a glamour shot, just one of him reaching over to grab something on a boat. It clearly was a bad picture. But even that small flaw was erased out.

So I don't see the pictures anymore as lies. They just tell different stories, that's all.

Same with clothes. I went to Target today (oooh yah, fashion epitome store lol) and bought a bunch of clothes, but even the ones that I'd hoped were the comfiest and still shape-defining were skin-tight and... not. So I might just start making my own clothes too, you know. It'd be a nice hobby to get into when I'm older. Hippie stuff.

I like hippies. The simplicity. Not the pot and the laziness, but the enjoyment. Fulfillment. Acceptance. Or perhaps I just apply those qualities solely to hippies because I liked their music.

On my Posterous blog (since I expect the most, albeit little, traffic I'll receive for this post will be on Tumblr), I wrote about The Lovely Bones and your own heaven. Little did I know my own heaven could possibly be a future.

I hadn't really thought about it much, even after I typed that post. But now I know. A little farmhouse with a barn and a pond and a swing on a tree that gives some kind of fruit. The house can be small and simple, but warm and colorful on the inside. A fireplace. The whole house is just jam-packed with little things that I couldn't bear to throw away, things that are me and my life. There's a barn that I've turned into a studio.

I'm married, one or two kids (boys are more fun than girls). He loves me... he never stopped. I love him. On Saturdays we go to the market and buy fresh things and come home and burn everything in the stove and laugh about it. When it snows, we make snow angels. There's a mural wall in the barn we all paint once every year. We don't make much money but we have what we need. We might have chickens. Jackolanters and easter eggs. Family. I've never wanted that before. I never saw my life shared with another person until now.

We find things we enjoy. We find things we need and want and wrap them up into a leaf and swallow them whole. But the flame isn't burnt out just yet. Feed it like a starving artist and it will flourish and grow and burst through the skin. There will be arguments and fatigue and pain and times we're lost but that's all ok and it is to be expected. I will never leave you.

Forgot who I was talking to.

So what I have (am) learned(/ing): life is not a picture. Life is not full of perfect. But optimism is necessary... it is preferred. There's no other way to live. If there's a problem, solve it... it ends quickly.

I am happy. I want you to be happy, too. I want you to feel what I feel and to know what I know. I hope this helps.