K, whatever the letter is now

Well, summer has started off to what I would consider a very bad but necessary start.  Brandon broke up with me on Friday for this insane reason and it was just all really bad, considering I also had to sing with chamber choir at his graduation the very next day.  He gave me this little nod when we made eye contact and... it was so hard, so... pitiful.  I nearly cried then.  I could barely eat anything all day and the hurt took over my entire body.  When my parents left to go get me some lunch, I sobbed and screamed and beat my fists against the mattress of my bed.  It hurt so much, more than anything I've ever felt before.

But one thing led to another and he told me how he really felt and why he had said what he did, and I just... I hadn't really known how badly things had gotten.  We kept in contact waaaay too much; he constantly had a friend over at his house and I was alone almost all the time.  I didn't know how to fully function while on my own, I think.  There was that imbalance that hurt us, as well as a lot of other things too that are just too lengthy to mention.  But we are texting and are "together," though we're both single on Facebook (like that's the one thing that matters to anyone anymore).  We're going to an amusement park with the majority of the kids in JROTC that I thought I was previously uninvited to but now am ready to have a good time at.

So.  I'm seeing a new therapist.  (I really hate how that sentence sounds, it's not like I've seen dozens for the past 10 years, just one woman who didn't really help back in 7th grade and now another woman to help me with my ongoing stress factors.)  I've learned a few nice things from her that, as probably most people in therapy can tell you, are really obvious upon hearing them first off but very hard to apply on your own.

Number one, I am petrified of ghosts.  I used to think every noise or flicker of light was a ghost.  Truth be told, I abandoned that fear when Brandon broke up with me, but I was supposed to tell myself "stop overthinking things".  And you know what, it completely worked.  I calmed down instantly.  Plus I was supposed to do that during my little fear moments, like coming out of a public restroom or driving or something.  Pretending like I was telling a friend what to do (I guess giving advice is easier than taking it) also helped.  Now my newest task is to spend time with friends.  And you know what, after Friday night, I made plans to see my friend Emily.  I also started calling Chelsea more.  Just... that made me feel better, knowing that other people besides Brandon could be my confidants.  I feel a lot more confident with the fact that I know I can take care of myself.  I can redo my room, listen to music, and do all kinds of nice things by myself and feel happy.  I also now know that I can have a happy moment and not tell everybody on the planet how happy I am.  I just had a little quiet moment of happiness just now, when, since the first time since Friday, Brandon said "I love you."  It was wonderful.  I kissed my cell phone screen in joy.  Anyway.

So, it's going well.  Summer is not boring.  I have a ton of AP English stuff to do, but besides the weekly journals and whatever, I can probably get everything done before GSA, which is next month.  I'm decently excited for it.  More experimentation with alone time.  Plus I also may or may not be getting a pet rat afterwards, probably not but at least I can think about it and be excited for something.  I really hated winter, I was so dreary and upset all the time... summer is so much lighter and happier and freer, it's great.  It really is.

Anyway.  Lotsa AP stuff next year and Honors Trig and regular Chemistry (no honors at my school).  Plus health and pottery.  Heehee.  It's my GST year - Get Sh** Together.