I'm Better
I feel much better. I think it's a weekly thing where I end up feeling so terrible. But there's a story I'd like to document.
Yesterday my friend and I were sitting in gym class, clad in sweatpants and dirty tennis shoes, when we noticed there were a lot of ants on the floor. Both alive and dead, there were at least 50 or 60 scattered about... some kind of infestation problem. But one bug in particular crawled towards where we were sitting, missing several legs. It's crooked wings wobbled feebly as it inched along.... it was no bigger than the width of my index fingernail and yet I felt so sad for the poor creature. It writhed around on the floor, attempting to stand up, and after looking at it for a while Chelsea suggested we put it out of its misery. I agreed.
She went to step on it... I looked away (being the wimp that I am), but when I turned back around, it looked as if it had been cut in half and was rolling around on the floor in fits of what looked like sheer agony. I turned away, and this terrible screaming filled my ears... this white noise that penetrated every fiber of my mind. I felt like I couldn't breathe and I started spit out these choking sobbing noises that sounded oddly like laughter. I felt like I was being ripped apart.
The whole ordeal lasted about a minute and a half, but it felt like hours. Thankfully I wasn't embarrassed about crying later; nobody really cared. That's the thing about today - people watch but don't say anything. But then I was fine. Cleansed. I no longer feel a weight pressing down upon me.
... that could be because it's Saturday, but...
I feel better for a lot of reasons. I won't be too specific, but I'm happier in several areas of my life now. 2 weeks until summer, Westest over, I probably won't have to take any exams...
What I notice the most now is that I don't have a group of friends anymore. I have a few, but I don't really hang around the same people anymore. I like it, I think. I could go on explaining, but I just really don't feel like going on and about every single reason. I just lost sight of myself and now I'm ok.
I also seem to go through terrible bouts of intense pessimism that will suddenly switch into overwhelming optimism. I'm currently trying to decide which of the two end up affecting my life the most. They seem to occur with the same amount of frequency. It just depends on how I feel about society or the human race at the time... strange that I let that affect me, eh? I'm trying to learn how to completely ignore those thoughts so my mood remains happy. I'll never have complete faith in... us, so I just need to stop thinking about it. I can't force myself to believe something that isn't true. I'm not surrounded by people that persuade me otherwise, and until I am, I'm just going to shut it all out.
Burdened.
Anyway, my trichotillomania started up again, but I have a completely new attitude on it. It's funny in a very laughable way.
Hair's doing alright, I think I want it shorter.
And I'm sitting here listening to Dream Theater and things are going ok. Still don't have a new phone and the current one is pretty much broken (the screen is completely black, but I can still get calls. Apparently it's a pretty common problem with texting phones. Who woulda thunk it). So I'm supposed to be doing some chores today to get money for a temporary phone (one that at least has a screen that works, hehe) but I just really feel like sitting around and listening to music. I've been without it for a long time, with just a small taste of the songs I enjoy on my pathetic, one-gigabyte ipod.
What to do... what to do... what to think...
I'm thinking of him.