How a 750words Entry Changed My Perspective on Everything
i was going to type yesterday (5 minutes ago) but... brandon. i used to think you could keep it all in your head, but sometimes talking reveals things that you didn't know were true. i was putting it all together - today i had two moments that were noteworthy... well, 3. and i could be like Sylvia and tell about all of them, but it wasn't the glory of the place, it was the glory of the feelings. i'll copy and paste my Tumblr post in here since i'm running short on time.
---
today i saw a band in philadelphia’s reading market. it was a santana tribute band, but they also played the beatles and stevie wonder, etc. and there was a man who was dancing up in front. he looked homeless, but he was dancing and waving to the people walking by and smiling and mouthing the words. people stopped to just watch him twirl and skip and dance. he must have been in his 50s and was having the time of his life. there were wrinkled old ladies clapping their hands and young, purple-haired teenagers nodding their heads to the beat. people that would have never even stopped to take a look at each other were all a part of this moment together. it made me smile.
later i watched a planetarium show about black holes, and it made me think how many billions of billions of stars there are in space, and how many infinite galaxies and planets rotating around their own suns that there are, and just how purely insignificant we are in the grand scheme of things… but that we do, in fact, live, no matter what purpose we all serve, and through all of the separation and barriers and roads to cross and miles and miles that we still have to go… there’s still this. these kinds of moments that let me know that people are ok. … but there are still so few… so few. or perhaps i just haven’t lived enough to tell.
---
and i would elaborate on that (i mean, i was watching tv while typing it so it's not very comprehensive) but... i just hope the meaning retains. but i'm stuck between trying to view the world as very insignificant or very important. between viewing people as largely insignificant or very important. i know that viewing it realistically would be more of the former, but... what will make me happier? but i can't ignore logic... it clashes, like religion. so i began to mix the two ideas together like some thought-recipe, the white against the green, and it was suddenly understandable in the cloudy-like way that things get for me sometimes, but there was a leaden question at the bottom of the mixture that only said "why?"... why all of this? what is important?
see, it's kind of like the whole Sophists and Romantics(?) debate. i need to come to a consensus to which i view my life. but brandon brought up the point that the human mind is infinitely complex and is a mystery still - we weren't accidents, so to speak. and... i just realized how lovely this was... "living, breathing things in this universe are much, much better than empty space." so we are more significant than i thought. "i just want to love you. stop talking and let me love you." and the emptiness was miles and miles wide. running out of battery, but... why, life? what is the point?
the purpose of life is to exist and create more, so why? all of this space full of uninhabitable, well, space, and we are a speck just bursting with life. the weeds in the sidewalk. and then brandon said we were meant to feel. meant to feel. we exist to feel. which goes back to his note. "so life IS love."
so the earth really DOES have the view of a battle soldier. the living is sacrificed for the living, etc. we eat the animals that eat the weeds in the sidewalk. but we work ourselves up to this point where we can have a brain, to think, and... to love. so life is love. life is love. from empty space, from stars that harbor planets, some of which containing life (which is a miracle in whichever form), and then OUR planet able to contain life that can love. and that is life's purpose.
and i have just solved the earth's - and my - eternal, everlasting problem. and i couldn't have without brandon. and all of my worrying is gone, and i feel so happy and privileged to be alive that i could just cry. that i am able of crying (out of happiness, who would have thought). that i am intricate and just... i have discovered this and it's beautiful and timeless and i'm no longer thinking of just myself, alone.
but there is a problem. i still can't escape the fact that other people are out there existing and not knowing this... i'll be bothered by it for as long as i live. but life is happiness... life is love. so i will do what i can to be happy. and whether that is waiting, whether that is losing people, and whether that is separating myself from others is all right with me. i have one life. i will not interact with people that i don't want to simply because that is what everyone else does.
i always felt so angry at people for not thinking deeply, for not embracing these thoughts, and that was why i felt so isolated. and i wondered why i felt that way... i was born to guide others to happiness, but that isn't going to happen, so i might as well just leave other people alone. and i was so happy up until i realized that other people didn't understand what i understood... but i suppose the fact that we can understand at all is truly a "blessing," if you will. but it won't be enough to satisfy me.
so life is love. never forget that. the universe exists for it. and perhaps... perhaps people are happy just in their ignorance. there is suffering (the "absence of happiness" in buddhism) but there is kindness. the old woman that spoke to me in the bathroom, the man dancing... it makes me happy to see other people happy, much much much more than i would have originally thought. so if we all make each other happy in those simple ways, then we're all happy and connected, even if some people think differently than others. forgive the ignorance. forgive them, abby. forgive.
so i'm now generally satisfied with my opinion on life now. i don't feel it will be a lasting feeling, but i can reread this later and learn something new that i didn't think about before. what a miracle; even my own mind from even a week ago held things that i never would have thought it did.
so life is love. love is happiness. forgive the ignorance. small moments make lasting impressions. and that is what is is. i am solved for now.
life is love.