Death... and Life

Photo-14

My friend took this from his iPhone.

Not that I've been thinking about death, though (although it is a fact of life we'd be happy to forget about some days.) But sometimes it just hits me. I'm going to die someday. And what do I have to say for myself so far?

Not that there's anything I can do from this point to drastically alter my story. School and family pretty much eat away all my time, controlling my decisions and virtually every aspect of my existence. And when I "grow up," my job will then dictate how I live and what indulgences I can partake in.

I don't like this system.

Not that I don't appreciate the value of hard work, that is. I fully understand that it pays off. I enjoy doing chores and getting dirty every once in a while even if I'm not paid for it in some way. There's satisfaction to getting something done. But something just doesn't seem right here.

And this is where I bring in The Lovely Bones. It's a great book with an excellent story. It's more than just a rape novel with imminent justice. It's a life story, more or less: the continuation of a life after a death. Of course, I could drag religion into all of this and tick - piss, that is - a multitude of people off, but really. Listen to me.

Susie has her own heaven in the book. Things she wanted when she was little, both things possible and impossible for our material world. I believe that our stay on Earth should be like a heaven of sorts. (Of course, we would be adding the Laws of Nature into the equation when necessary.) But why should we live our lives unhappy just because a boss or a job "tells" us to?

And again, I understand that we need those manual labor jobs and those small, necessary tasks completed to keep the world going round. But think about you. What are you doing with your life? What am I doing with mine? Am I happy? Are you?

My idea is to create my own heaven on Earth. I believe that everyone has the dream of a perfect life hidden somewhere within their mind, but if they don't focus on the details of that dream once in a while, they/I forget what we/I truly have. I believe in a lot of things. I believe in the things that make sense. I think everyone should take a few seconds out of their life to picture their most perfect moment, not being afraid to create it someday. ... And I don't mean bringing someone back from the dead or making someone fall in love with you or any of that. Just think about what makes you happy. Daily things that occur. A particular place you'd love to go again sometimes. And do it.

I don't think happiness is just a dream. I think it's a reality all in its own. And there are some who lead easier lives than others, and I understand that as well. But for me, being 15 and having nowhere to run, the future is just a mist I'm wandering through until someone creates the maze I must wander through for the rest of my days. I have visions of freshly-cut grass and mosquitos and half-melted ice cream cake with sparkling candles floating on the water. I have moments of fresh puddles and cool, salty air, of gulls' shattering breath carrying my heart out to sea. I have moments of sadness and joy, but above all, clarity. And guess what? No one can take that away from me.

I think that by envisioning what we want, we'll be able to see opportunities that could have simply passed us by. Where do you want to be? What do you want? Let it be impossible. Laugh with it. But carry with you the optimism I'm giving you. Make lists. Watch sad movies, even if they make you cry. Don't do the dishes for a day or two. Indulge. Escape, if only for a moment.

I'm currently a cynic, but I'm slowly learning how not to be. I'm conforming to the mold that I - yes, I - have picked for myself (however timidly I may be approaching my own solidity, that is). I feel that I am starting to belong to myself again; not feeling detached or wandering through snippets of conversations I don't wish to be a part of. Tomorrow I will undoubtedly start again from the beginning - I am not so strong yet. But I have had this thought and it is enough.

Me. I like the word. I like the sound.

I'll be creating my heaven within the next week or so. I'll give details later.