a conclusion?
you know, i don't even really want to care how i feel anymore... but in a good way. i feel i'm wasting my time with this intense introspection. as long as i retain some bit of what i consider to be my true self, why eat myself to pieces over emotions and momentary things?
i'm happy now. truly, wonderfully, purely happy. not all the time. not when i wake up early or have a bad meal or have to change my plans, but i still feel ok because i know the good outweigh the bad this time. and i really do think it's because of him. it's something i could sing about someday in a kitchen washing dishes, that's how good it feels.
mom got a new motorcycle, and dad and i tested it out earlier tonight. the sky was turning shades of indigo and he said to climb on so i put on his (mom's) helmet and we sped off into the cool darkness. he turned onto the highway and i put my visor up and just let the wind hit me full in the face and watch the road pass me by right in front of me. i was silence with sound. i was flying.
no revelations were derived from that (thank god), but it was a nice feeling and i feel a little bit giddy even still. i like that feelings last long after the moment is over. i think we take that for granted, mostly, but i'm appreciative today nonetheless.
and life really is about appreciating itself, you know? religions do that. we thank God for things... but being appreciative really boils down to just noticing things in the first place, which is the art of Zen. all religions are alike and teach the same things but they go about it in many different ways. religions are flawed like politics. religions are subject to scrutiny, but Jesus and Buddha really did teach the same thing. and then you could go about saying they ARE the same thing and get into the One and Wiccan beliefs and then you've got another factor in the mix.
not that i'm really talking about anything at this point, but i think that the right way to live would be to have the compassion and caring for other people from Christianity, the meditation and peace of Buddhism, and the karma thing (to an extent) from Hinduism. i don't know enough about Islam and Judaism or any other remotely widespread religion to pick apart the good pieces from those, but... hey, you know? today i was watching THE worst movie of 2010 (When In Rome... the screenwriter had to have been even younger than me, i mean, come ON) and in the end, the priest is doing the wedding ceremony with an Italian accent and says "speak-a now, or forever hold your peaces." then i thought he meant "pieces" and how wonderful a phrase that was...
everyone hold your pieces. and that's what we do. we hold our pieces together. and sometimes people don't do so well and fall apart and then they just need to find the right glue to fix themselves (or have someone else fix them). and that's not really a bad thing, you know, having someone else be your glue (hint hint).
it's 2:30 am and i'm doing all right for once. let this stay. please let it stay. i think i deserve it.