untitled ii

Sometimes I feel really proud of myself.  Sometimes I feel genuinely surprised... and genuinely terrified.  Sometimes I want to have a space under my bed to crawl under and reemerge years later.  But today I feel just generally uncomfortable.

My sweatpants rub against my legs in an unappealing way, catching all the hairs I missed while shaving and itching like crazy.  I think my hands are a good 10 degrees or more below my body temperature... my eyes are dry and my face burns from that Epiduo shit.  My clothes smell like Mexican food, which constantly reminds me of not looking at him throughout the meal and crying later and then making him cry too.  My retainers are painfully prodding the spot between my teeth where I discovered a popcorn kernel... I had popcorn four days ago.  Aside from worrying about possible tooth decay, my eyelids are so goddamn bare that I look like an alien again.  My room is messy and I'm tired of looking at it.  My backpack needs reorganized.  I'm forcing myself to read boring literature.  My dog is dead and I couldn't even watch him get the injection.  I can't drive anywhere yet and I made my boyfriend cry because I can't even deal with myself, much less another human being.

Yeah yeah yeah, thank God for everything positive, stay on top, blah blee blah.  You shouldn't have to force optimism.

I have three days of school and then... I dunno how many days off.  In that time I will fix this off feeling and make amends with myself and the ones that matter.  But for now, I'm stuck and I feel mentally sick - icky, that is.  I can't wait three days.  I just want to wash off all this metaphorical grime.  I want to produce and not just eat away at everyone I come into contact with.  I have hardly any friends.  I make people sad and lonely and upset.

And that's all I have to say.