K, whatever the letter is now

Well, summer has started off to what I would consider a very bad but necessary start.  Brandon broke up with me on Friday for this insane reason and it was just all really bad, considering I also had to sing with chamber choir at his graduation the very next day.  He gave me this little nod when we made eye contact and... it was so hard, so... pitiful.  I nearly cried then.  I could barely eat anything all day and the hurt took over my entire body.  When my parents left to go get me some lunch, I sobbed and screamed and beat my fists against the mattress of my bed.  It hurt so much, more than anything I've ever felt before.

But one thing led to another and he told me how he really felt and why he had said what he did, and I just... I hadn't really known how badly things had gotten.  We kept in contact waaaay too much; he constantly had a friend over at his house and I was alone almost all the time.  I didn't know how to fully function while on my own, I think.  There was that imbalance that hurt us, as well as a lot of other things too that are just too lengthy to mention.  But we are texting and are "together," though we're both single on Facebook (like that's the one thing that matters to anyone anymore).  We're going to an amusement park with the majority of the kids in JROTC that I thought I was previously uninvited to but now am ready to have a good time at.

So.  I'm seeing a new therapist.  (I really hate how that sentence sounds, it's not like I've seen dozens for the past 10 years, just one woman who didn't really help back in 7th grade and now another woman to help me with my ongoing stress factors.)  I've learned a few nice things from her that, as probably most people in therapy can tell you, are really obvious upon hearing them first off but very hard to apply on your own.

Number one, I am petrified of ghosts.  I used to think every noise or flicker of light was a ghost.  Truth be told, I abandoned that fear when Brandon broke up with me, but I was supposed to tell myself "stop overthinking things".  And you know what, it completely worked.  I calmed down instantly.  Plus I was supposed to do that during my little fear moments, like coming out of a public restroom or driving or something.  Pretending like I was telling a friend what to do (I guess giving advice is easier than taking it) also helped.  Now my newest task is to spend time with friends.  And you know what, after Friday night, I made plans to see my friend Emily.  I also started calling Chelsea more.  Just... that made me feel better, knowing that other people besides Brandon could be my confidants.  I feel a lot more confident with the fact that I know I can take care of myself.  I can redo my room, listen to music, and do all kinds of nice things by myself and feel happy.  I also now know that I can have a happy moment and not tell everybody on the planet how happy I am.  I just had a little quiet moment of happiness just now, when, since the first time since Friday, Brandon said "I love you."  It was wonderful.  I kissed my cell phone screen in joy.  Anyway.

So, it's going well.  Summer is not boring.  I have a ton of AP English stuff to do, but besides the weekly journals and whatever, I can probably get everything done before GSA, which is next month.  I'm decently excited for it.  More experimentation with alone time.  Plus I also may or may not be getting a pet rat afterwards, probably not but at least I can think about it and be excited for something.  I really hated winter, I was so dreary and upset all the time... summer is so much lighter and happier and freer, it's great.  It really is.

Anyway.  Lotsa AP stuff next year and Honors Trig and regular Chemistry (no honors at my school).  Plus health and pottery.  Heehee.  It's my GST year - Get Sh** Together.

G

Hello all.  After a two-month absence, there are a lot of things I have learned.

1.  Even a day can change the course of what you think you know so far.
2.  Nothing is certain.

Plus, due to external factors that I'd rather not discuss on a blog, I have come up with a series of... resolutions... that I am living by now, more or less.  Just... ways to solve the sadness when it comes and goes.  And I'm making this seem more all-encompassing than it is; nothing truly has changed except that I've been a little happier for a short period of time, no big accomplishment.  I don't think there are truly any huge accomplishments in a life, except for maybe quitting or starting something huge, like smoking or having a baby.  But nothing really is ever constant, at least when you are my age.  Whee.

Anywho, nothing much has been going on.  I knitted this neat cowl/hat thing that I wear a lot, and I'm going to start another one tonight.  Hello, income for college!  They're worth at least 30 bucks, if I tack on a $10 profit for me plus the cost of the yarn.

If anyone hasn't listened to 8tracks radio, I highly recommend it.

I also did this tremendous report on Lord of the Rings... I am now a LOTR expert, more or less.

Sophomore year ends in... 17 days.  Back where I started, I guess. 

F

time is going by so very quickly.  i remember last Wednesday like yesterday.  and i haven't felt bad, so maybe happiness goes by quickly.  but i wonder if being sad and thinking (negatively) about every moment as it comes is better than being a positive apathetic and dying tomorrow.

turns out i don't need to do any more job shadowing this year - GSA will take care of all of that.

and i feel settled.  i can walk to the bathroom by myself in a store somewhere and not feel nervous.  i can walk down a sidewalk with other people alone and feel not so shaky.  i still won't raise my hand in class, but that's for other reasons.  i can start conversations with people and say what i want to say but phrase it so it isn't weird.  i'm not the person that makes people uncomfortable anymore, at least in my head.

but time.  really.  no fights with brandon, no sadness or anger i can't explain.  i can decide what i want to do and then actually do it, no negative feelings attached.  i've been Facebook-free for over a month now, and the best part is that i didn't realize it until this moment.  i'm just really happy, if happiness means knowing finally where you're headed.

maybe it was just the bad weather, who knows :)  but i do regret it slipping away.  i used to just want to get out of this point in my life, but now i'm wondering where it all went to.

E?

E.  E.  Easy.

I have Float On by Modest Mouse stuck in my head.  And I've been knitting like crazy over the past couple of weeks... not that those things necessarily relate.

Aww, who am i kidding, i hate blog posts anyway.  nothing ever to talk about that's appropriate.

D?

well.  i got accepted into that thing.  and i suppose i kind of didn't want to.  i'll never know what isn't enough and what to improve on... though something tells me i'd be pretty disappointed if i didn't get in.  so.

birthday came and went.  nothing special.  i was really down in the dumps over it too.  16 is a very stereotypical age... and i was all confused and nervous and depressed about how i could pull off that middle ground.  you know - not be so overwhelmingly against stereotypes that i become one of those crazed Individualist people but still don't give people the wrong idea.  or maybe that is impossible.  people will make the assumptions they want.  but i'm such a people-pleaser that i just can't accept that.

uh.  what else.  got a loom to make socks on.  more books... great.  finished Sirens of Titan today (i think) which was a real bummer.  the only part i liked was about the caves of Mercury and the harmoniums.  that was pretty.  little blue sticky kites living off the music.

there is a lot of stuff going on right now but none of it is acceptable for a blog nobody reads, so.  this is all the extra stuff.

tomorrow a friend is coming over to teach me how to knit.  that will be the first person i have had over to my house since before homecoming, which was in October.

and i was just thinking.  all the people with the ton of friends who have boyfriends for 10 minutes.  and then the ones who don't who keep them longer.  maybe the friendly people have their need of company filled by a lot of different people, so what's one person?  and the friendless person (well, people, since it would have to take 2 friendless people to survive in a relationship that parasitic) get their need fulfilled from each other.  and i don't know which is better to have.

tomorrow, on my day off school, i will be knitting.

i am tired.  lonely, too.  and that's kind of an everyday thing.

C

well well well.

i am wearing socks that are nearly twice as big as my foot.  and, you know, just like women wear their boyfriend's shirts and hats and jackets, socks are equally as comforting.  my feet like having extra room.

i started a twitter again (yeah, same with facebook too, the fact that i can't completely delete it is insane because i'm always tempted to reactivate it and end up doing so anyway).  and i'm trying not to assign purposes to anything anymore, but i'm hoping i'll just put down little quotes or intriguing thoughts and follow people with book suggestions.

as for the kindle, it has proven to be the most useful gift i have ever received (aside from, well, the gift of life).  i've started so many books but haven't finished them.  let's see... Lolita, On Writing, The Elements of Style (not exactly a book but worth going over), A Confederacy of Dunces... hm.  i've downloaded samples of The Heart is a Lonely Hunter, The Book Thief, and... huh.  i also STILL haven't finished Mrs. Dalloway (probably not going to make any sense to, since i don't remember any of it), Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy (and all the other assorted books associated with it that come from the huge collection i got)... and i still have The Poetry of Robert Frost to skim through, and Flannery O'Connor's short stories, and Ernest Hemingway's Short Stories... and on my kindle i have a free Aristotle on Poetry book and a sample of Some Imagist Poets that i downloaded that don't look too promising... and that Steven Hawking book about something... yeah.

life is short but i have to read.

i did the GSA audition yesterday.  didn't go over too well, but i'm glad for the experience.  i told maybe 10 people the ironic story that was involved in it but i just don't feel like typing it out.  there's nothing i can do about it so i'm just not going to fret.

and i want to talk (type) about brandon too.  it's wonderful and i'm happy.  i thought of the analogy a few minutes ago that maybe he (or just loving/being loved in general) was kind of like the medicine that got all the bad stuff out, little by little.  i'm having fewer episodes.  i just feel... full up.  and even in some moments, like i wouldn't mind things just being this way forever.  that change wouldn't have to happen for me to be satisfied.

and there's a part of the Silmarillion that i like a lot.  it says Elves (the Quendi) are the higher beings, that they are perfect and desire no change.  they are immortal.  but Men (the Atani) are the builders and movers, the people that add on and create.  they die.  and because they are never really satisfied, they die.  Elves have to watch the world crumble and not meddle, but the Men, although living short lives, can make it better.

oh, add that to the other books i need to finish, plus the two Mom ordered for me, As I Lay Dying and A Clockwork Orange.  Amazon will publish porn and dirty books but not the banned ones, hmph.  crap.  a lot of books.

oh, and the sample of Naked Lunch.  and Slaughterhouse Five for honors program.  although i have recently been reading a ton of Vonnegut and loved it.  Breakfast of Champions was excellent, and i really liked the concept of Bokononism in Cat's Cradle.  probably my favorite part was when Papa Monzano was dying and the doctor performs the boku-maru thing and makes him repeat the thing about people being mud and all that.

so i'm good.  i guess.  only time will tell if it's true.

musings

Hmm.  Pondering.  I feel a bit more creative now that my room is finished.  I used to hate changing things up, but now all I want to do is experiment with moving things around and painting and lighting and everything.  I did a small mediocre painting of a jellyfish today (mediocre because I used watercolors on a piece of white cardboard) but I'm just experimenting with splattering and dripping and all those fun wasteful methods.  I've got to loosen up :)

Been reading a lot lately.  Since Christmas I've finished the last two books of the Hunger Games series, Flowers for Algernon, Cat's Cradle, Room, and a few others.  I'm going to finish A Confederacy of Dunces before I start the other Vonnegut book I bought, Breakfast for Champions.  I also have another Deb Caletti book on there too (there meaning the Kindle, which I adore) because I like how she writes.

I've realized if I finish a book, I can't start another until I've slept.  I stay in the mood I'm in after I finish the book.  After Room it was a childish kind of way, and I really did notice myself using simpler language and phrases.  After Algernon was the hardest to recover from, and I was in a funk for quite a while.  But Mockingjay was wonderful, I was blossoming with happiness and optimism (not EXACTLY a spoiler, so don't point fingers at me).

I was also in a foul mood yesterday because of some thoughts that just keep running through my head.  I won't say much, but... well, here's what I've come up with.  The trich keeps happening because other people force me to care.  I get overly anxious about them caring and relieve the stress with that destructive behavior.  Then they force me to care and I get more anxious... a circle.  I know I could never say anything to change anyone's mind, but the true way to solve my problems would be to just pretend they didn't exist.  Nobody really wants to accept that as an option, but it's been eating me up that I've realized I finally am ok with it myself.  I don't care if anyone else isn't ok, but they don't have to point it out and make me feel more self-conscious.  The tiny hole in my pants became a gaping monstrosity I could fit my entire hand through in a matter of months... I just now accidentally ruined a couch cushion (I'll fix it).  Some people bring out their anxiety on the people around them and blame them for their feelings... I just quietly ruin myself and things with loose strings.  Everybody has stress and this is how I deal with it, and I would be perfectly fine with that if only I could truly know everyone else didn't care nearly as much as I used to think they did.  People assure me of my true anonymity and then go ahead and point out all these things everyone will notice right as soon as they look at me... jeez.

Well, there's that.  Phew.

I've also been thinking about my life as a whole.  No, really :)  I'm nearly 16 and that's what we do.  And perhaps I seek answers to questions I've not even thought of yet, but... well, here's this.  I believe life is special.  I don't believe that we're "special" just as humans on little dinky planet Earth, but Life itself is indeed special.  I've stopped with the intense, despairing pessimism of just being a little old human on a little rock in space, and although the realization is still true, I've come to think of it as a little comforting in my own sense.  I used to have wildly fantastic dreams of the working world, what it would take to make a life worthwhile... being important.  And, in a way, the comfort of being just one person revolving around a star in a galaxy makes it easier to comprehend the bare minimum of living a happy life and still getting by.  I don't have to be a famous author.  I could write fortunes for fortune cookies, live in a little apartment, have a few cats and see a matinee movie once in a while.  As long as I share my life with someone... validate that my happiness wasn't just a dream... it's ok.  And, in a way, that problem is already solved :) I am truly at my own will.

I think it takes a lifetime to fully understand that the journey is what is most important.  And I also keep thinking of the Into the Wild movie about Christopher McCandless... how at the end he understands that happiness is meant to be shared.  I hate people (most people) but yes, it is meant to be shared.  If we are nothing but nothing, what does it matter having some fun with each other while we're here?

I'm not sure entirely what I mean just yet but I'm sure it'll pop up again soon.  The rush of high school and education will fly by and then it will just be me making my own choices and being my own person.  I'm not exactly sure I'll be ready for that when it happens, but I'm never really ready for anything, am I?

I can do what I want and get away with it because it's me, and I live with my choices... both good and bad.  I will mess things up and do things wrong but that's ok because I know I'm responsible for myself.  I can't control how I feel or think or even act in most cases, but hopefully that's just being my age.  Anywho, it's late and I am tired.  No school tomorrow, I have no finals to take, and then Tuesday off too.  Time to start repairing everything :)

Goodnight.